Chapter 44 — The Past (Part One)

"I..." Lin Xiaowen looked at Cheng Yishu, who was so close she could feel the tension in his breath, his gaze burning into her. The intense unease she had felt in the parking lot that afternoon surged up again.

"I... I just told Aunt Xu, let's talk about it later. I don't really have the time or energy for those things right now..." Lin Xiaowen swallowed hard, forcing the words out, all the while inwardly berating herself for being so spineless. Who was Cheng Yishu to her, anyway? What right did he have to meddle in whether she went on blind dates or not?

Why did he have to sound so justified? Worse still, in front of him, she really did act like a subservient servant!

Had she lost her mind?

Determined to regain her footing, Lin Xiaowen jerked her head up, vowing to reclaim the upper hand. But when she looked again at Cheng Yishu, he seemed to have transformed into someone else entirely. His head hung low, staring blankly at his own toes...

Was it possible for someone to switch expressions so quickly, as if he were an actor changing masks?

"What's wrong with you?" Lin Xiaowen sighed inwardly. So much for her resolve to call him to account—just seeing him looking so wounded scattered her righteous indignation to the wind.

The small living room was so quiet it felt almost unreal.

But Lin Xiaowen didn’t speak, sensing that Cheng Yishu was genuinely different this time. So, she refrained from disturbing him.

The two of them sat there in silence for what seemed like a long time, until at last Cheng Yishu let out a deep sigh.

"Ranran is a little girl, and she's still so young. If you want to build a family with someone, you must never, ever neglect Ranran's feelings..."

Cheng Yishu raised his eyes to look at Lin Xiaowen. She felt a jolt in her heart, suddenly uncertain, not knowing how to reply. So she simply listened as Cheng Yishu continued in a low voice:

"Do you know why I like Ranran so much? Honestly, I don’t like children at all. I always thought kids were nothing but trouble—girls are delicate, boys are mischievous. I even used to believe that if I ever got married, I’d never want children..."

Lin Xiaowen smiled faintly and said softly, "But you don’t look like that at all."

Cheng Yishu smiled too. "Right? In front of Ranran, all those ideas just seem to vanish."

He paused, his smile fading. "I was a child who grew up in a family like that, so sometimes I can really relate to how Ranran feels—especially tonight..."

"A family like that?" Lin Xiaowen’s heart skipped a beat, and she asked quietly.

"Yes..." Cheng Yishu stood and walked to the small window in the living room. The warm, golden glow of countless homes shone outside—colors that belonged to truly happy families.

Unlike himself. Even though he lived in the most luxurious apartment in the so-called 'rich district,' with lavish furnishings and countless spacious rooms, it felt as cold as a crystal palace—utterly devoid of the warmth that a home should have.

Of course, Cheng Yishu kept these thoughts to himself. He knew that if he voiced them, Lin Xiaowen would surely scoff at his melodrama and roll her eyes at him.

Thinking this, he suddenly chuckled at the city lights. It seemed he understood Lin Xiaowen rather well now.

But when had that started?

"What are you laughing at?" Lin Xiaowen appeared behind him without his noticing, puzzled by his sudden laughter.

"Nothing. It just feels so comfortable here—it reminds me of home."

"Your home?"

"My old home," Cheng Yishu nodded and went on.

"Until I was eight, I lived with my mother. I never saw my father, nor any relatives from his side. I took my mother’s surname..."

Hearing this, Lin Xiaowen’s heart thudded, and she couldn’t help but tense, her brows knitting together.

"My mother treated me very well. She always said I was her only hope, that for me she was willing to endure any hardship and give me all her love..."

Cheng Yishu smiled softly—a gentle, contented expression Lin Xiaowen had never seen before, as if he were bathed in the tender breeze of spring, all his features suffused with longing.

"Then that man appeared, and everything changed," Cheng Yishu’s voice carried resignation, but also something bitterly mocking.

"I remember it was some 'grandmother' from a certain family who brought a tall, refined man to our home. Everyone was smiling, but I didn't understand what was happening. When I looked at my mother’s face, I saw her blushing, her eyes wet as she gazed at me... Thinking back, she must have been terribly conflicted at that moment."

Lin Xiaowen was speechless. As a single mother herself, she understood all too well how much courage and emotional effort it took for Cheng Yishu's mother to take that step. All she could do was quietly listen as he went on.

"After that, with that 'uncle' in our home, things really started to change. The meals were better, I had new clothes to wear, and my mother smiled more. It seemed everything was getting better. I even began to accept that 'uncle'—until one day..."

"He was a teacher—a physical education teacher—but he had a drinking problem. At first, he didn't drink much; when he got drunk, he'd just fall asleep. But later, he started drinking more and more, shouting, throwing drunken fits, even hitting my mother. By then, I was already in primary school. When he dared to lay a hand on my mother, how could I do nothing? I grabbed whatever was at hand and fought back... But all I got for my trouble was a savage beating. My mother tried to stop him, crying and screaming, but she couldn't. At that time, the scene felt like hell on earth to me..."

"Why... why didn’t you and your mother leave him?" Lin Xiaowen’s voice was barely audible, her eyes full of pain as she gently brushed his furrowed brow.

"I asked my mother the same thing—why not make him leave? This was our home... But she only shook her head in silence, tears streaming down her face, again and again... I used to wonder how she could have so many tears, as if she could cry for a lifetime and never run dry."

"After that, we just tiptoed through each day, doing our best not to provoke him. Of course, sometimes I couldn’t avoid another beating..."

"Even when I was in high school, he still dared to slap me. But I was no longer the little kid so much shorter than him. So, while protecting my mother, I chose to fight back. That time, I let out all the fury I’d bottled up for years... My mother was terrified. If she hadn’t stopped me, you probably wouldn’t see me here now. Either I’d have been sentenced to death for murder, or I’d be rotting in prison."

At this, Cheng Yishu deliberately lightened his tone and smiled at Lin Xiaowen.

But Lin Xiaowen couldn’t return his smile. She looked up into those eyes, so full of feigned ease yet steeped in long-held sorrow, and her heart ached with a deep, suffocating pain.